Regrets
by Trillian Astra
Summary: A sort of postrescue sequel to Inner Doubts, told from Kate's POV. It's five years after the crash survivors were rescued, and everything seems to be going great. This is my first Jate fic, please R&R. Rated Kplus for mention of violence and angst.


**Author's Note: This is my first attempt at Jate. Told from Kate's POV, and five years post-rescue, it's a sort of sequel to my story "Inner Doubts". In this one, Kate seems to have everything, but still wonders if she made the right choice. Then, a surprise reunion with a much-missed friend leads to someone unexpected helping her see that she did make the right choice.**

**Okay, I admit it. It's basically Sawyer being all noble and kind. Clementine's in it, though. Please read and review, as usual.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lost, Sawyer, Jack, Claire, Kate, Charlie or anyone else, or Clementine (this is my interpretation of her). They are owned by ABC or JJ Abrams or someone.**

**I did, however, come up with C&C's son Jake, Charlie's record store, and the Jate-babies Chris and Libby.**

Regrets

We were rescued from the island after four months. It started when a research ship came within sight of the island, and saw our signal. They sent people to shore to find out who we were, and we explained that we had been on Flight 815 when it crashed. The people from the ship went to find Rousseau and the Others, and offered them a chance to leave the island. They even got their doctor to look over Ben, and the doctor actually congratulated Jack on doing such a good job. Rousseau was reunited with Alex, her daughter, and the two decided to return to civiliation after sixteen years on the island.

When we finally returned to civilisation, the American embassy in Sydney – and the British embassy and Australian government for Charlie and Claire – put us all in a hotel together, and we spent our time hiding away from the press, watching TV and enjoying all the luxuries we'd missed on the island. Oceanic Airlines interviewed everyone about the crash, as did the police, and in the end we all got a generous compensation payment. Those of us with criminal records and, um, outstanding warrants – me and Sawyer – were let off because of the crash, and the Australian government allowed Sawyer to stay in the country as long as he wanted.

And after all the publicity died down? Jin and Sun decided to emigrate to America to escape Sun's family, Sayid wanted to get to LA to find his old girlfriend Nadia, Hurley went home, Charlie and Claire got married and settled in America, near where we live, actually. Rose and Bernard went home, Michael took Walt back to New York, and I'm not exactly sure what Locke finally decided on. He said something about going on a 'walkabout', whatever that means.

And Sawyer? I don't really know what happened to him. After we were rescued, I spent most of my time with Jack. So in case you're wondering, I picked Jack. I went for the safe option. I said good-bye to Sawyer at the airport when we got off the flight from Australia, and I haven't seen him since.

Now, it's five years since we were rescued. Since the FBI decided to 'lose' that warrant with my name on it, I haven't had to keep running, so Jack and I got married. We live in LA, in a great house tucked away in the suburbs. He's doing really well at the hospital. We have two kids, now. Our son, Chris, is four now. His name is short for Christian, even if no-one ever calls him that. And our daughter Elizabeth is two – but we don't call her that, we call her Libby. I named our son, for the person Jack lost, and he named our daughter, for the friend we both lost.

Having small children around, it keeps me busy. Most of the time I don't have time to wonder what it would have been like, living a settled – or more likely unsettled – life with Sawyer. Until one night, when the kids were both fast asleep and Jack was working the night shift at the hospital, leaving me alone in the house. It was about ten at night. I had the TV on but I wasn't really paying any attention to it. I'd poured myself a glass of wine, but it was untouched on the coffee table. I just sat on the sofa in my lovely, suburban home, with the cat curled up asleep next to me, and all I could think about was Sawyer. All my thoughts kept drifting back to him. I wondered, maybe I had made the wrong choice five years ago. Maybe the man I could truly be happy with wasn't the father of my children, but the one I had walked away from at LAX five years ago.

After that night, my settled, happy life with Jack and my kids couldn't satisfy me any more. I tried, I really did. I played the loving housewife, cooking meals for Jack and waiting up for him when he had to stay late at the hospital. I took Chris and Libby to the park, to their playgroup, to the shops. We visited Charlie and Claire – they live near us, just a few streets away. The kids love playing with Aaron and his new little brother Jake. I talk to Claire a lot. She lives closest to us out of all the crash survivors, so we see each other at least every day. Sometimes Sun comes down from upstate, where she and Jin relocated after the rescue, and we find a sitter for the kids and have a girls' day out.

One day, I was at Claire's, and we were sitting out in their garden, watching the kids playing in the sandbox. Charlie was out – working at the record store he owns now, while he's recording his solo material. Claire had gone to the kitchen to fetch us some fresh cups of tea, and when she came back, she said she needed to tell me something.

"What is it, Claire? Is it the kids? Charlie? You?"

"No, no we're all fine. It's more to do with you, Kate."

"What?"

"The other day… someone from the crash walked into Charlie's store while I was there minding it. Charlie was at the recording studio, and Aaron was at playgroup, so I was just sitting minding the store, keeping an eye on things, when none other than Sawyer just waltzes into the store. He didn't notice me at first, just looked around a bit at the memorabilia on the walls, flicked through the records. Then, and this was so weird I was trying so hard not to laugh, he looks up at me, and finally recognises me."

"Sawyer? Did he say anything?"

"Well he asked after Aaron, of course, and I had Jake with me, so I introduced them. He told me to pass on his compliments to Charlie, for the shop, you know, and he asked if I was still seeing anyone else from the island…"

"Did you mention me?"

"I kinda did. I just said about Jin and Sun living upstate, and you and Jack living nearby. That's basically it."

"Did you mention my kids?"

"He asked. He specifically said to me, 'Claire, did they ever have kids?'. I knew he was serious, seeing as he used my proper name. But I had to tell him. I just said that you had a boy and a girl, aged four and two."

"Okay, I guess that's ok."

"Kate, are you all right?"

"Oh… oh, yeah. Its just… I've been thinking about him a lot recently. About how my life would have been, if I'd stayed with him instead of going with Jack. Sometimes I wish I could talk to him, other times I don't know what I would say if I had the chance."

At this point, Claire was looking rather uncomfortable, and she wouldn't meet my gaze.

"Claire? What's going on?"

"Well, when I said I needed to tell you something, it wasn't just that I saw Sawyer in the store."

"So what did you want to tell me?"

"I don't know how to say this… but we sort of, made a plan together. To get you to talk to him. He's… in the house at the moment."

"What?! But I came through the house when I arrived…"

"He was hiding upstairs until I had a chance to talk to you. And when I went inside just then, I checked and he is definitely in the sitting room waiting for you. I think he wants to talk to you, Kate."

"He's… just inside?"  
"Yep. Are you going to talk to him, or am I going to have to disappoint him?"

"No… no I'll talk to him. The sitting room, right?"

"That's right. The sliding doors are unlocked, just go straight in."

I left Claire sitting in her garden chair, looking on with interest as I walked over to the sliding doors. I took a deep breath, and slowly pushed back the glass door. As I stepped inside, I could see Sawyer sitting in an armchair facing me, although he was talking to someone in the chair placed in front of the doors, so I couldn't see who it was. I shut the glass door, and he looked up at the unexpected sound, seeming surprised to see me there. "Kate…"

"Hello Sawyer."

"Uh… how've you been, Freckles? Claire said you were quite the housewife now."

"I'm… I'm great. Jack's fine, doing good at work, the kids… the kids are great. I have a nice house, a big garden for the kids. We're in a good neighbourhood, good schools for when they're older. I spend lots of time with Claire, my kids go to the same playgroup as Aaron. I even have a cat, back at home."

"A cat? You know, that's the one surprise out of everything you just said. I had you down as more of a dog person."

I shrugged weakly. "Jack's allergic, and so is my little girl."

"Jacko's allergic to dogs? When did that happen?"

"He always was. It's just not very severe, he just sneezes a bit and his eyes get watery. Didn't you notice him sneezing around Vincent before the rescue?"

"I wasn't paying attention." He took a deep breath. "But to get back to the important matters, it seems like you're happy here, Freckles."

"I am. But, I need to say something… about us. You see, I've been wondering, lately, what.." Sawyer cut me off then with a shake of his head.

"Can we talk about that later, Freckles? When we're alone?"

"But we are…"

"Sit down, Freckles. Please."

I sat down on the couch, and Sawyer got up and moved over to the other chair.

"Kate, I would like to introduce you to someone. This is my daughter, Clementine. Clementine, this lady is Kate, she was on the island with me, before I came back."

I was in shock, when a young girl – maybe nine or ten years old – got out of the armchair and joined me on the couch, hugging me briefly. She was a beautiful child, and resembled her father a lot, with the same blonde hair and incredibly blue eyes. As she hugged me, I awkwardly put an arm around her, not quite knowing what to do. When she released me, she looked up at me with her big blue eyes, saying "Were you friends with my Daddy?"

"Yes, Clementine. Your daddy and I were friends when we were on the island. And, actually, would you like to hear a secret? I bet your daddy hasn't told you this."

"Ooh, please tell me, please!"

"Well, when we were on the island, your daddy tried to pretend he was mean, so people wouldn't try to be friends with him. But I saw through it and was friends with him anyway."

"Daddy? Why did you do that? You're not mean, you're nice. That was a silly thing to do." She did not give Sawyer a chance to answer, as she was immediately asking me her next question. "Kate, can we be friends? I like you, I want us to be friends."

"Of course we're friends. And I like you too, Clementine. Now, do you know Claire, your Daddy's other friend?"

"Yes! 'Course I do!"

"Well, if you go outside, you can go and play with Aunty Claire, and you could play with her little boys, and my little boy."

"Aren't there any other girls to play with?"

"Ah, well, I thought of that. See, I have a little girl, too. Her name is Libby, so if you're nice you can go and play with her. But she's only two, so be careful, yes?"

"I'll be good Aunty Kate. I promise!"

Clementine then jumped down from the couch, and ran to the door, though Sawyer had to open the glass doors for her. We watched in silence as she ran over to Claire, climbing onto a garden chair.

Then, we looked at each other. Sawyer spoke first.

"So. Your daughter's name is Libby."

"Yeah. We thought it would be a good tribute to her."

"It is."

"How old is Clementine?"

"She's ten."

"And her mother is..?"

"Clementine's mother was one of my old girlfriends – Cassidy, the last before the crash. It's complicated, but I conned her, tried to grab her divorce settlement, and she gave me up to the cops. I got seven years in jail, and about nine months in, Cassidy comes to see me, with a photo of a baby she says is mine. I managed to get the last six years of my sentence dropped – do _not_ ask how – and then I eventually ended up in Australia. And, well, you know the rest."

"What happened to Cassidy, Sawyer?"

"A few years ago, Cass was hit by a car on her way home. She died. Her lawyer contacted me, he knew I was Clementine's father, and said I was officially her guardian. She's been living with me ever since."

"Where are you living at the moment?"

"Well, it might surprise you but when I first found out I had to look after her, I decided to settle down. We have a house not too far from here. I've got a good job, running a car lot, and we're pretty happy. What did you want to say?"

"I'm not sure how to say this, and Clementine being around might change the situation, but I've been thinking about you a lot recently."

"Really? How flattering, you being married to the Miracle Doc an' all."

"I'm being serious, James. I keep thinking, what would my life be like if we'd got married after the rescue, instead of me and Jack. I guess now it would have been me, you and Clementine playing happy families."

"Oh, Freckles. I thought you were happy with Jack. That's why I tried to stay away. I only met Claire the other day by accident, I never meant to interrupt everything like this."

"I was happy. Until recently, I couldn't have been happier. I love Jack, I love my kids, I love my life now. I don't know why I feel this way."

Sawyer moved over to my side and held me close. "Come on, you'll be fine, you know you will."

"I don't know that…"

"You do, you know. I know there was… chemistry between us, on the island an' all. We got on well, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Although we did get on well, we were friends, I think if we had got married, we would never have lasted. We're too much alike, Freckles. And I think… we're better off as friends. I have missed you, these five years."

"I missed you too."

"Will you be all right now?"

"Yeah. I think, I'm going to be fine."

"Good, I'm glad. Can we just get back to being friends now please?"

"Of course we can." I said as I burst into tears.

"Hey, hey, come on now, Freckles, there's no need for that. Everything's going to be fine."

"I know. I just… got so anxious about how you would react. I didn't know what would happen. I even considered leaving Jack, taking the kids and running away with you."

"Now, Freckles, that would have been stupid. There's no need for that."

"Yeah, I know. I'm so glad you're here Sawyer. I missed you so much."

"I'm glad to be here." He said as he carefully blotted away my tears with his thumbs. "Now, why don't you go and wash my face, and then you can properly introduce me to those kids of yours, seeing as you've met mine."

I got up and quickly went to the downstairs bathroom, splashing cold water on my face. When I had dried myself, I looked at myself in the mirror, and just couldn't help smiling, seeing as everything had turned out so good for me. I went back out, and Sawyer and I went out to the garden, where I called my kids over. Chris was playing with Aaron, and Clementine was sitting on the grass near Claire's seat, with Libby on her lap. Chris came running over to me, and Claire picked up Libby and carried her over.

"Sawyer, this is Christian, my son. Everyone calls him Chris, though." Sawyer picked Chris up, saying "Well, aren't you a big boy? How old is he, Kate?"

"He's four."

"Whoa. He is big. And he looks just like his dad, too." Just then, Chris started wriggling and whining to be put down, so Sawyer let him down and her immediately ran back to the sandbox to play with Aaron.

I took Libby from Claire, mouthing 'thanks' at her. "And this is my little girl, my baby, Libby."

He reached out and gently touched her tiny hand. "She's lovely, Kate. A beautiful little girl. Though you'll have to watch her around the boys when she gets older, if they're anything like I was in my teens."

"I think there's a while to wait yet. And you're going to have to watch Clementine too, and a lot sooner."

"I know, trust me I know." he drawled, before heading off to say hello to Aaron.

I sat down in a garden chair, putting Libby down on the grass – though she immediately crawled over to Clementine, who was busily making a daisy chain, that soon ended up adorning my daughter's head. Claire and I watched Sawyer get dragged into playing with Aaron and Chris in the sandbox. Claire went to get some dinner ready – she had invited Sawyer and I and our kids to stay for the meal – so I sat and made more daisy chains with the little girls, and occasionally glancing over at Sawyer. By the time the sun started to set and Claire called us in for dinner, I could see that he was thoroughly enjoying himself.

Charlie got back just in time for the meal, so we had an enjoyable dinner, chatting about our lives now and on the island, before we had to go home. My kids were getting tired, especially Libby, and apparently Clementine was as well.

I said a brief goodbye to Sawyer as we swapped phone numbers for our homes, and we promised to meet up again soon.

As I drove back home, I realised something. I used to have little, niggling half-regrets about my marriage to Jack. Now, though, a simple afternoon in Sawyer's company had removed those doubts, and I went home a happy woman. Jack was working late that day, so when we got home I put my babies to bed, reading Chris a quick story to get him to sleep, and went downstairs to wait for Jack.

I'm happy. I'm finally happy.


End file.
